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Friday, January 30, 2009

Ode to my commode

Upon our first meeting, I was glad to find you, a dual-flush, low flow toilet, came with our otherwise outdated abode. But now, after dwelling with you for a year times half, I can truly say the end is nigh...

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways

1) Thou art perplexing in thine operation. For "#1" one presses the second button, for "#2," the first. Methinks thy buttons should be switched...?

2) Your tank doth not runneth over, that is for sure. Even using the secret two button "super flush," thou cannot accommodate an offering of even average size.

3) The practice of "if it is yellow let it mellow" cannot be implemented in thy presence, lest from within thy bowels a great stank doth originate.

4) The shape of thy basin is such that the "material" one is hoping to express is instead caught for the entire kingdom to view. Which, has made it necessary to offer disposable cleaning materials so that our guests can avoid embarrassment during their stay (and, that the king of the castle can avoid continuous scolding from the queen, who has made it known she is not a servant). Do you sense the irony, that thy ability to save water hath created waste of a different type? Why hath thou forsaken us?

5) On the subject of guests, how would one host an affair in a house with thou as the sole provider of waste relief? Thou cannot replenish in time for the next reveller, full of mead and merriment, to relieve himself.

We thank thou for thy service. Now - GTFO!!

* I do not know the model of our crappy (pardon the pun) toilet, but it is the brand Opus

* My apologies for incorrect usage of Shakespearean English...it's been awhile since Brit Lit.

5 comments:

Sarah and Jack said...

LOLOL

It is very un-green of me, but I dream of one of those toilets tht Ty Pennington is on tv flushing golf balls down.

karen l said...

OMG I am so tired of flushing 3 or 4 times!!!! We can't be saving any water with all of the flushing going on - not to mention the extra cleaning stuff since there are almost always skid marks even after the 4th flush. Did nobody really test these things before the govt decided to make it a law?
Gross. Find me an old toilet at the landfill and I'll be a happy camper!

Emy said...

so funny. i very much enjoyeth your englisheth speakingeth. :D

pottygirl said...

I am so sorry to read about your troubles with your toilet. If you want a toilet that really works and is affordable, I would highly recommend a Caroma Dual Flush toilet. Caroma toilets offer a patented dual flush technology consisting of a 0.8 Gal flush for liquid waste and a 1.6 Gal flush for solids. On an average of 5 uses a day (4 liquid/ 1 solid) a Caroma Dual Flush toilet uses an average of 0.96 gallons per flush. the best part is - they REALLY work! Caroma, an Australian company set the standard by giving the world its first successful two button dual flush system in the nineteen eighties and has since perfected the technology. Also, with a full 3.5″ trapway, these toilets virtually never clog. All of Caroma’s toilets are on the list of WaterSense labeled HET’s http://www.epa.gov/watersense/pp/find_het.htm and also qualify for several toilet rebate programs available in the US. Please visit my blog http://pottygirl.wordpress.com/2008/08/01/what-you-should-know-about-toilets/ to learn more or go to http://www.caromausa.com to learn where you can find Caroma toilets locally. Visit http://www.ecotransitions.com/howto.asp to see how we flush potatoes with 0.8 gallons of water, meant for liquids only. Best regards, Andrea Paulinelli

mascanlon said...

I laughed and laughed and was glad that we are not as environmentally friendly yet. We have one old and very serviceable model and the 2nd is one of the early low water versions (not dual flush) that works very well but probably doesn't save all that much water. Think we'll wait for the next generation!